with all boldness

I didn't explain in my last post that this is a sort of series. This is part two. (and it's a little long)

I also want to explain more. Even though it is painful and sometimes almost torturous to lay my life down for my Father to use it as part of his good and perfect will, I do this JOYFULLY. There is a dance between sorrow and joy. You can't have one without the other. I experience sorrow in knowing that, because of my choice to lay my body down as a sacrifice, I most likely will not have a child this month but I also experience joy. JOY in knowing that God is working in this situation, God is working in me, God is working through me and my conversations, my short injections in class, my coffee dates with friends, and in my heart -- softening it.

There is sorrow but there is also an "inexpressible and glorious joy" in knowing that my value and worth comes through my Jesus, and I am never alone. Even if I never have the honor or privilege of raising a child of my own, I know that I will spend ETERNITY with my Jesus…

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  (Romans 12:2)

My husband and I were having dinner with some couple-friends. We somehow got on the topic of Christians and how we sometimes go along with the status quo rather than bring it all back to Scripture. A lot of time I feel that I need to stop talking about this subject but at the same time I feel that I have been called to be this person -- to talk bluntly and truthfully about infertility and the value of life. So I started in with "well…not to bringing this to a different subject but…have you guys ever thought about this in the context of infertility treatments?"

I did my little, well-practiced speech about infertility, prayer, treatments, birth control….and what was sad and not all too surprising was that one couple had NEVER thought about these issues. It had never occurred to them that there might be moral and biblical implication involved in the process of dealing with infertility. They had never been presented with this idea. To them it was almost like noticing a lake in the middle of their town. It was there, it was present, it was obviously important…but they had never seen it. 

I have been critical of myself in the past. I felt that I needed to get this subject out of my head and just leave it behind or leave it with the box of unused, tear-stained baby clothes I have in storage. At the same time I feel this strong movement in my heart to speak boldly about these issues -- I might be the only person in their lives to do so! Many times I will keep my mouth shut then later hear God say "you should have said something. Next time. Next time I give you that opportunity do not  waste it."

I have long ago decided to no longer conform to the pattern of this world. The pattern I am speaking about is SILENCE. In most churches we do not talk about miscarriages. We don't discuss birth control and the back-up plan included in ALL hormonal birth control methods. We don't have conversations about IVF and the moral boundaries that are implied.

10% of the American population will have some sort of fertility trouble. TEN PERCENT. That statistic is the same for those in the church community. So if you have a church size of 1000 people, 100 people will have infertility issues. If the church is not offering help, support, guidance, advice or even a standpoint, where will these couples get their information? If these people do not feel that they can even ask about these issues, who will they turn to? If these people will be judged, ignored, left out where will they go?

I was a shy and quiet girl growing up. I never spoke up in class. I would get so embarrassed during class presentations that I would cry. If someone were mean to me, and they often were, I would not say a thing. I was an easy target. I am the oldest and was known as "Kristin's sister." Ha.

Why am I telling you this? Because it is amazing to me the person I have become today. I am the same shy, quiet girl but there is a boldness about me that I cannot explain. Tell me "God blesses the faithful with children" and I will argue your theology swiftly, in a heart beat. Ask me about my story and I will share with you all the details, unashamedly. Sometimes I think I say too much…imagine that. Sometimes I know that I have shared the ways in which God has worked within me that do not necessarily fit another person's understanding of God, and that's okay.

I ask myself often how did I get here? I know God has brought me here, to this place of boldness and joy. I laid my body down and God has used it as an opportunity to teach me that there is a fierceness inside me that I was previously unaware of. Through my situation and my experience, a protectiveness and advocacy for other women who have lost children or struggle to have children, and children who anxiously await a forever-home or struggle to fit in but cannot due to disabilities, has emerged.

I don't want to stay quiet. My hope and desire is that we, as  a church community, would no longer continue to keep infertility and loss silent just because it was the way we've always done it. But that we would call to attention the great loss and grief these couples experience in order to offer support -- not advice or treatment plans -- but love and care.

How about you? What areas in your life has God used to create boldness and advocacy. We all have them. The trouble is finding them. How can you use this boldness to serve others? In what areas are you no longer conforming to the pattern of the world?