My Truest Worship

I was sitting in class the other day and had a really weird and wonderful experience.

When I was doing my undergrad at Oak Hills Christian College a few years ago, my favorite professor, who taught all of the psychology and counseling classes, would incorporate Romans 12:1-2 in almost every class. With my interest in helping people and in psychology I learned to really love these verses. To me, it speaks to allowing God to work through you and letting yourself get a new perspective through his work.

This week in class we were talking about a "life verse" and by accident, the professor read this verse. For some reason it just hit me differently this time. Maybe it's because I have been thinking about life more lately and how different I am from who I was a few years ago, maybe God was just speaking to me through the class (which I believe he does every day)…for whatever reason that week was different.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

I had read this verse thousands of times but the part that stuck out to me most this time was "offer your bodies as a living sacrifice." I think about that often. I think about what has brought me to the place of writing on here, of having the friends that I have now, and the life I have now. I think about the choices that I have made.

Many people, my fellow students in particular, don't understand that I do not want to be in school. If I had my way, I would be home with my kids, working in the garden, cooking and baking, rolling in leaves…not in a classroom, a library, writing papers, or taking out loans. I am, however, thankful to be here but this is not my dream come true.

Laying my body down as a living sacrifice, for my personal story, means that I must say to God, "okay…I can't have babies. I can't make it happen on my own.  Only you can make it happen. But you are choosing not to, so you have another plan for me. I know and trust that your plan is far better than the plan that I could have chose for myself." I have laid my empty womb at Jesus’ feet. If he fills it with a child, then he will work through that experience. If he chooses not to fill it, he will work through that situation. And here I am…moved across the country and in grad school.

Some days it is literally painful to get out of bed. My heart breaks as month after month fly by. I could be working full-time and saving up for foster-to-adopt programs and certifications. I could be working and have insurance so the problems that are occurring can be "fixed" or at least known. I watch as this time slips through my fingertips and it's all I can do not to cry.  And there are days when all I do is cry.

When did we as a culture get to a place of the uncomfortable being seen as wrong? Many people might read this and say "why don't you just quit school and have kids?" Others might think that this is just ridiculous! I am allowing myself to be in a position that is painful at times. In the midst of this suffering there are also great days when I write a great paper or ace a test or have coffee with a new friend and it was fantastic! There are blogs that I write that encourage others. There are conversations with others who have different experience than me but our hearts are the same.

My answer might not make sense to everyone, and that's okay.

I know that God has called me here, for whatever reason. I am aware that at any moment he might say to me "Go. You have learned all you needed to learn here. Go." and I will go…go and have a garden, start the process of adoption…

God calls us to places and times that are uncomfortable for us. We are told that life will be difficult and we will face trials. Abraham was chosen to be the father of a nation of God's people yet he suffered through the sorrow and difficulty of infertility with his wife. Mary was chosen to give birth to the Son of God. She might have gone under social and cultural scrutiny and shame all the while knowing the important role she was given. Jesus met Paul on the road as Paul was called to bring the gospel to as many people as he could yet Paul was imprisoned, blind, and ridiculed. There are people called to serve in Africa that must endure the intense war situations, famine, and persecution. Serving God is not about having the perfect life or comfortability. Living God's plan for our lives might mean we make sacrifices and  is those things which we never knew we had the strength to overcome.  

This is where I am. This is me laying my body down as a living sacrifice. This is my truest act of worship.

What about you? Are you living to be comfortable or are you willing to sacrifice? Maybe you are comfortable and you know you are following God's plan for your life, how is this being lived out in your life? Maybe you are suffering as God’s plan for you is not the plan you had expected, how are you willingly sacrificing knowing God is continuing to give you strength to endure?