Southern Accents and Belly Laughs

I live the reality of not having children every day. Today, I am starting a new class and a fellow student walked in and her belly just popped. She walked her swollen belly across the room and I shed a silent tear. I didn't run to the restroom, didn't sink down in my chair but I did sigh and my heart shed a tear. Then it was back to class. Has anyone else noticed how many pregnant people there are on any given day? I mean, really…you can't get away from it. People will continue to have children. It is just a fact of life.

So it is so refreshing then to have nearly a week where I am free and allowed space to be myself and not even THINK about infertility, babies, kids, pregnancies…

I have an amazing sister and I am so proud of her. She teaches English to pre-K students in Moscow. Even though I think it is not fair that I don't get to see her as often as I would like, I know that the Lord has brought us to the places that we need to be. It is not fair but it is good. She is doing amazing things and seeing the world. I get to see the world through her camera. And it is fantastic. I get to be in Colorado and go to school and learn and grow. And even, as I am sitting in class right now…yes, I know….I am learning and it is amazing!

Kristin came to visit for a week and it was so much fun. I don’t know how or why but we spent most of the week speaking to each other in a southern accent…and somehow about the bathroom? "Do ya'll have a powder room? I just ate at Casa Bonita, have you ever been there? It's real nice. But now, my stomach is bubblin' somethin' fierce!"

We went shopping and looked at things that were WAY too expensive for our budgets. Hiked up a mountain, or "FOOTHILL," bought a stack of books, saw Harry Potter and cried silently as the phenomenon came to an end. We stayed up late, ate lots of food, and laughed enough so the amount of food did not matter. A highlight was so go hunting for Dog the Bounty hunter around the Denver area.

I knew that I would be sad when Kristin left. I might not see her for another year. I worry about her. I know it's silly. I worry that there will be a bombing in Moscow again and it will be near here this time…So I watched her drive off expected tears but I did not expect the punch in the stomach feeling that hit as I watched her take the on-ramp to the interstate while I stayed on the side road. I watched my best friend drive away knowing that I would not be able to  share a hot cup of coffee with her across from a table in the same continent, country, state, city, building for a very long time.

And I realized that if I had children when I wanted to and at the rate that I had planned so long ago, I would probably have at least 3 kids which would not make it possible to be with my sister in the way that I was this week. We would not have been able to just run off and hike up a mountain or spend all afternoon at the mall or even get coffee every day.  

I think about it every day. I think about not having a baby. I see a baby at the checkout or a pregnant woman walk across the room and I know that I am forever different from these women. I have struggled in ways that most people do not. I have answered questions that we were never meant to even ponder. It seems depressing and believe me, I have my moments but it is also an amazing journey. I know that I would not be writing today if I weren't in the situation that I am in. I know that I would not have had as great a time with my sister if I had several child. We would have had fun, but it would be different.

So even as this woman, who is fantastic and funny and smart, walks across the room with her baby-belly I know that I have a purpose in this journey just as she has in hers. I know that my Jesus is with me and knows my heart.  I know that God hears me cry and cries with me. I know that my Jesus rejoices with me as I laugh until my stomach aches.