"It's Simple"

You know when someone tells you, "Oh, it's easy. Three simple steps. First, (blank). Then (blank). And last, (blank)? And you walk away thinking, Easy. I can do that! Then you discover that "simple" and "easy" are not words to describe said task? You know that feeling? I am living that feeling.

We are buying a house and adopting. AT THE SAME TIME. Lord have mercy on my anxious heart. 

Most of the time I can muster enough peace and contentment to write liltingly about the simple pleasures of life. Not so much today. And I feel like I should write today because this is the honest beautiful adventure. A great adventure cannot only be about the peaceful days. That's just a boring vacation. An adventure is about looking fear and doubt in the face, picking up your sword, and trudging on into the unknown. (Yes, one should always carry a sword on an adventure.)

 .     .     .     .     .

Adoption is easy. Super easy. Even the agencies give out these pamphlets on the steps. Five simple steps to the adoption process. And you think Five steps, huh? I can do five steps! That's like, less than half the amount in the AA. That's like cooking macaroni and cheese! Five steps.

No. Not so simple. First, you "find the agency." That only took 3 months. Next, you "Apply." Which was pretty easy, I'll be honest. Third, go through a "home study." Now, this part I KNOW is not as simple as "step three". "Home study" is code for A LOT OF WORK. "Home Study" is code for "will cause you mass anxiety and insomnia." "Step three" has mini steps that are not shared with you on that simple five step pamphlet, but we've been here before so we are not fooled. On top of the interviews and the visits, there are background checks -- from every state you have lived; fingerprinting, complete family history, documents of EVERYTHING that makes up your life, and a to-scale disaster plan. Although I'm pretty sure the second time around isn't as nearly stressful, I'm afraid to let my guard down. Let's not forget a little pesky thing called money. Somehow we need to raise the money for the fee, in the next month, while buying a house. Why did I do this to myself?

Next, "Create a Profile." You want to be yourself while selling yourself to potential birth moms. "Be yourself"-- how do I convince some young, pregnant woman that this is the life for her child, when I'm not completely sold on it myself? "Dear Birth Mom, we have no money. We live in Minnesota. I start fires in the oven occasionally. So...your child will be poor, cold, and hungry. Pick us!"

I'm just kidding. I know we have a lot to offer and I know we'll be great parents, but how on earth do you sell that to a scared, young girl who is with child? I know, I know. God has it all worked out. Even when he rescued the Israelites from Egypt he had to work with Moses, who wasn't the ideal candidate. So... I'm just hoping to get out of the desert and maybe see the promised land.

Step 4: wait. And wait. And wait. If you have struggled with infertility before the adoption process, get ready to do what you do best. WAIT. The rest of the steps I haven't even started thinking about so I'll just leave it there. We'll get to them eventually...and you'll read allll about it.

Also:

Buying a house is easy. Super easy. This, people do this all the time. Right? Easy. Except we're buying from a family member, not a realtor, and we have no idea what we're doing. We're on the phone with lenders and titling companies and lawyers and amazing friends who have once bought a house and put up with my ranting and...And I think I might just hibernate this winter. If you don't hear from me come November, I'm laying in some hollowed out tree in the Lost Forty. I'll come out when I'm good and ready. Every number and figure we get is different, every purchasing scenarios is different. I think we're getting there but I have definitely gotten a few more gray hairs...or lost hair. Either way, my hair cannot handle another one of these months or I'll look like my dad!  

.     .     .     .     . 

I went to the zoo.

I have to be honest. I didn't really enjoy it. I love going to the zoo but I was all in my head and worried. I took so many pictures.  And I'm looking through them now. Pictures of animals and flowers. Perfection in living form. I am reminded again that the Father who created the whole universe, with all it's stars and planets, animals and plants, people and stories; the God that make all that from nothing, spoke it into being, is holding us now. 

When I'm quiet enough and out of my head enough, I can hear him say, "Why are you even worried? I've got it. Just let me take it."

From our perspective everything is in the air. All these little details that have to come together just so -- the adoption, the house, daily living. But from his view…it's simple. It's easy and it's already together.

And again…he is speaking life into This Barren Land.

We get the house, we don't get the house. We finish the adoption process, we don't finish the adoption process. We have money, we don't have money. We are the poster children for adoptive families, or we are real.

I have never been more aware that all that really matters in the end is that we walk with him. We trust him on the journey and in him we find our joy.

And I am aware that there is so much more beyond myself. Maybe you are experiencing your own, "it's not that simple" moment. And I pray that you find peace. Maybe you are on your own journey to a barren land, or just woke up there this morning. I pray you find comfort. Maybe you are poor, and cold and hungry. I see you. He sees you. And I pray you find hope, warmth and are blessed with wonderful friends. 

And I'm humming...

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding

My soul will rest in You.

I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm

My help is on the way, my help is on the way

O my God, he will not delay,

My refuge and strength always.

I will not fear, His promise is true, 

My God will come through always.

- Kristian Stanfill