Five Minute Friday: In Between

Honestly, it took a little longer than 5 minutes just because I wanted to make some thoughts more clear, but here it is anyway...

GO

Things left unsaid...the silence in between.

We sit and scoop up warm perfect soup with wide, deep spoons and tell all the stories again. And laugh. Out loud, held in, tears stream, and we cannot stop. Even when the stranger stares. We laugh loud and hard. And we finally settle. Sighs and "anyway…"s and silence.

And I want to say…

You look beautiful when you laugh loud and unstoppable. You just being here makes all the hard parts of this unexpected life smoother, softer, endurable.

We walk through stores and buildings and shop through big windows. Ooh and Aah over patterns and lace and those shoes and that bag. We shop thift and garages and find treasure together. And in the quiet of the moments I love…

You are my best friend. You are my favorite. And I have anxiously waited 9 long years to have you back all year round. I am giddy inside. You are busy planning flowers and bowties. And all I can think is that we will spend random weekends together. I am so grateful. And I am careful not to say too much, to scare you off. It's not likely, but I am still that timid, walking on eggshells kind of giddy that is mostly capped and reserved. I hope you know how truly excited I am.

We talk of RSVPs and seating and shoes. How will we pull it all together in less than a month? We get stressed and laugh and shrug and go back to the talk. Then we chat of future homes and hopes and plans and dreams and…babies. What they might look like -- a blending of your differences rounded out by cuteness. And I can see the hopeful in your eyes. And in the space in between the dreams I wish I could find the words…

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I cannot go there with you, at least for now. I hold my breath when you talk of these things, wishing I could collapse right into them, free fall and let go. To dream and speculate of  eye color, hair color, will they look like you or him, personality and pregnancy…I hold my breath. My best friend. How do I share these worries with you, worried that I might be jealous when you get to talking birth plans and ultrasounds, going home outfits and nursery, jealous that my sister and friend is experiencing things I simply can't? I cannot go there -- there, the place long forgotten, how The Good Man and I will never blend into another -- how do I share this with you without bringing you down? This is new territory, of which I cannot escape. Family. So I will figure it out, and still, I'm sorry.

Maybe one day there will be no in between, everything left out in the open and raw and honest and true and unashamed and not at all shy . Maybe one day we can say the things left unsaid and hidden deep…But for now, I'll write it here and hold tight to the promise that of forever together, so maybe not in this lifetime, but the next...