The sum is greater

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
~ Albert Camus


I wrote the next post last year and it is surprising, yet also not surprising, how it still applies for me this year. Maybe I thought I would feel differently. Well, I do. So maybe I thought I would feel more differently? I’ve grown and changed but I find myself still struggling through this week, and dreading this weekend. Though I am traveling north to spend time with my mom, I’m still unsure about church. I would love to catch up with some people but the whole Mother’s Day service has always been tough.

Call for moms to stand. Staring at the chair in front of me…wishing I could stand without congratulations over an assumed pregnancy. Without having to explain that the only children I have are gone. Wringing my nervous hands. My heart ready to pound out of my chest. Biting my bottom lip to keep from sobbing. Applause…and I wish I could really enjoy this moment…with my mom, my friends.

There is one woman who I would love to see. A welcoming face that has known mine since before I can remember. She finds me quietly with genuineness and kindness, wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day. She offers a hug, a knowing look, rimmed with tears of understanding. A smile that comforts and brings hope. No words can express how wonderful this simple, short moment is because of her. So, thank you, if you are reading this. You know who you are.

I hope that next year I will be able to attend church and festivities without feeling such apprehension. I would like to think that soon I will be in the room myself instead of asking other to offer support.

The page is turning on this journey of mine. I feel it in my bones. Hope springing up from places I had long forgotten. Joy bursting from the shadows. If God is good, then His plans for us are good; only good. And if God’s plans are only to bring good for me, then this too is for good. Somehow. In all this hurt and pain and longing, God is allowing something to be worked out for good, for me. There is a gift in this. Somewhere. If this is for good, and not evil, and if there is a treasure to be found, uncovered, dug out of the dry, dusty ground, then this can be endured. This can be overcome. This, this horrible thing I would never wish on anyone, can be survived. It is the perception that so often trips us up. If I change my perspective, which was before selfish and stubborn, in view of God’s goodness, mercy, and truly unfailing love…then I also can catch glimpses of this gift in the distance, gift hiding, gift looming just out of sight. One day I may hold in my heart this gift and know the full meaning of my journey. Or maybe I may not…either way my perspective has been corrected and my view made right.

In changing my view, in fixing it upon what I have rather than what I long for, my heart spills over with gratitude and joy. Suddenly a swollen belly is not my whole world. The simple scent of a clean kitchen, my clean kitchen, though small and rented, creates a smile and a thankful heart. Finding nothing but baby clothes at every stop in the neighborhood garage sale cannot put a damper on a beautiful day as I dance in the sun’s rays. Seeing a happy baby pushed by in a stroller makes my heart sing but does not sadden me as my fingers find the strong hands of my love. I am grateful for all that God has given me in my life. All. Every moment and every tear. Everything is worked out for the good of those that love Him.

It is said that the sum is greater than the parts. And I am thankful that the sum of my life is greater that the parts. That, though this infertility junk is a huge chunk of my life, it is not the sum. And I will not let it be the sum.

So, yes. This Mother’s Day makes me anxious…a daunting thing to behold. But it gets better. It’s getting better right now. Infertility is part of my story. But it is not the whole story. And one day, when I look back on my life from my new perspective the pieces will come together. I think I will be surprised. And that, that splendid hope, that incredible anticipation, awe; that perfect bliss of wonder…is truly amazing, and kind of makes this worth it.

Who knew I would be in this place right now? I sure as heck would have NEVER that so a few years ago. Ah-MAY-Zing.