Forgotten Mothers (revised and updated for 2012)

This Sunday is Mother's Day. I have sent my cards and expressed my deep love and thanks to those mothers closest to me.

And as I have done for years past, I will wake up on Sunday and may or may not be able to make the daunting trip into church where I will not be able to pretend that I fit in.

I will cry on the way home, if I go. I will cry when I watch TV and I will cry when I make the drive to get my comfort coffee. I will put on my comfy clothes, throw in a good movie, drink tea, and eat ice cream...and I will cry.

I will cry for myself as I have prayed and tried and waited and begged and screamed to be a mother. I will cry for myself for on this day, more than on any other day in the year, I feel completely alone; I know I am different. I will cry because there are no cards, no flowers, no standing ovations, few hugs, and few phone calls for me and women like me.

I will cry for the other women, and men, who feel isolated today, who may avoid church because at times -- believe it or not -- the church is insensitive. I will cry for those who have shed more tears than we could know yet do not receive a simple kind word of "I'm thinking of you today" but possibly a comment such as "when are you going to start thinking about kids?" or "don't you want to get flowers on Mother's Day?" I will cry for the couples and women who will sit alone today, toughing it out.

I will cry for myself, my husband, and the others not only on this day but also Father's Day, Christmas, and child dedications.

I do not wish to take anything away from mothers today. I do not wish to diminish the importance of this day and the wonderful and amazing mothers that are celebrated today. I celebrate these mothers today and every day. I celebrate my mother and my mother friends who are changing the world with every load of laundry, diaper changed, wiped nose, puke bucket held, Bible story told, water fight battled, bedtime kiss, prayer on bended knee, time-out, and meal cooked.

I also celebrate the women who have taken in children who are not their own and have changed lives and the world with their selflessness and love.  My own mother has inspired me.

I only wish to urge you to remember the mothers-in-waiting on this special day. These are the women who have waited, longed, hoped, dreamed, despaired, and cried with white-knuckled fists raised to the sky. These are the forgotten women. These women have tried and been, as of yet, defeated.

Let's also remember the mothers who have lost their children. Children gone before they have been fully formed. Children lost before the news of their new life has even been shared and celebrated with friends and family. Children who had not yet taken their first breath. Children taken before their life has been lived, before they could grow old. Children unplanned, waited for, loved, cherished, and missed terribly. Being a mother is not dependent upon the presence of children sitting nearby.

There is a sad trend of overlooking or shying away from issues of miscarriages in the church. Please don't ignore these women or avoid the heaviness of this tragic situation. It is hard and it is uncomfortable. Not ministering to these women, even in small ways, has a way of communicating that this situation is too much for the church, too much for you, too much for God. This was a real life. This was a real death. This is a real mother. It takes an incredible woman to endure knowing her child exists yet having to wait until heaven to kiss, hold, rock, and sing to him or her.

These women, those waiting and those who have lost and those who have waited and still lost, need your support. These women need your love. These women need to be recognized, loved, and validated as the amazing mothers and mothers-of-the-future they are. These women value life very highly because they truly know life is fragile, intricate, and precious. These women need to know that they are not forgotten. This is especially true in the church community.

These women need a smile, a hug, a flower, a card, a balloon, a kind face. Silence with a smile can be more powerful than the most well-meaning words. A nod and a hug followed by a short "I love you and I'm thinking of you" will be more than enough to completely change the life of this one woman who might feel that no one understands and she is all alone.

I have been blessed to have amazing women and a truly incredible husband in my life who have done just this. These small moments of remembrance and understanding have made the darkest moments of sorrow and grief lighter in weight and intensity.

I also know that there have been some amazing changes in churches in the past few years as infertility and miscarriages are slowly becoming a more publicly discussed issues. I am forever grateful for those church leaders, members and friends who have made it their mission to minister to those forgotten mothers. Thank you for making this special day special for those who so often fall between the cracks. We are so blessed to have you.

Mother's Day is for mothers. If you are a mother I truly hope you have an amazing day -- that you know you are loved, thanked, prayed for, doted upon, spoiled, and given opportunity to rest. If you are not a mother I hope that you take the opportunity to thank your own mother and love on mothers around you. But please do not forget that there are mothers this Mother's Day who will never have the opportunity to hold their children this side of heaven, who have had their children for far too little time, and women who long desperately to be mothers.

Mother's Day is about mothers. But we can also use this day as an opportunity to minister to women who are hurting quietly, grieving silently, and waiting alone.

(From Marlo Schaleskey)

Five Things NOT to say to a friend who is dealing with infertility:

1.     You're lucky you don't have kids.  -- if they want to have kids no part of this struggle is lucky or fun. This also diminishes or invalidates their hurt.

2.     Just relax. -- advice giving only comforts the one giving the advice. The one suffering feels that their hurt has been missed and quieted. There is no 100% guaranteed sure-fire way of getting pregnant and each person's body reacts differently to everything. Those dealing with infertility know that there is more to the struggle that just relaxing.

3.     You should just adopt. -- Adoption has absolutely nothing to do with infertility. People can adopt if they have children of their own. Many people who do not have children decide not to adopt. An adopted child is a gift of its own, it is not a replacement for a biological child. Adoption is not the default treatment for infertility and should not be assumed as such. Recently when I have been asked this question, and it is quite often the first question asked, I respond with, “Have you considered adoption?” It is a question everyone should ask of themselves.

4.     God will give you a child. -- We cannot pretend to know what God's plans are. We are not God and we have control over virtually nothing when it comes to baby-making.

5.     Maybe God knows you wouldn't make a good mother. --This is plain horrible, awful!! Drug dealers, abusers, serial killers can be mothers. If you say this it’s like you’re saying this woman would be a million times worse than that!! I have actually heard this said to me and it breaks my heart. DO NOT SAY THIS...EVER!

"God has a plan" can be one of the most hurtful statements. Yes, it is true, God does have a plan and God is in control but when someone is dealing with issues such as infertility this part of God's plan sucks. It just plain sucks. Clichés like this are unnecessary and inappropriate – (“God only give you what you can handle,” “God blesses the faithful with children”) A genuine word of comfort, encouragement or silent support is far more helpful and kind. We don't tell someone with cancer to be happy about God's plan, why would we tell someone who also is suffering with infertility?

This struggle involves more than getting a baby. There are questions about God's control, his power, his love. There are questions of value, worth, identity, meaning, and purpose in life. many times this questioning will never go away, even if a child is added to the family.

Five Things NOT to say to a friend who has had a miscarriage:

1.     You'll have another child. -- We cannot know what will happen.  Another child will not replace this lost child or make the loss less painful.

2.     It's good you didn't lose the baby later. -- A life is a life whether it is two hours from conception, ten days old or ninety years old. Death is always sad. The size of the person does not change this.

3.     There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway. -- We cannot pretend we know why things like this happen. Offering reasons, arguments and seudo-knowledge we canno possibly have does nothing but hurt – tells someone that their hurt is not justified because the situation is explainable and “not as bad” as they are making it out to be.

4.     It was only a fetus. -- It was not only a fetus. It was a baby. And it is lost. He or she may have had a name, may have kicked and fluttered. May have had sleep habits and favorite foods.

5.     At least... -- nothing good can come after this statement. Do not even go there. What could possibly come next in this statement that would be even relatively comforting. At least you didn’t lose the baby later? At least you didn’t share the pregnancy on facebook? At least you can have more babies? At least you didn’t get that bigger house? No, nothing remotely supportive and helpful can follow “At least…”

Let’s remember that a family can consist of two people. Validating this little family is extremely important! And please do not assume of couples who have been married for a few years or those women who do not have children, that they do not want children. Many of these couples may seem uncomfortable around children. Most often it is because they do not want to get attached or interact too much for this may intensify their sadness later. They may be fighting tears even as they play peek-a-boo.

I hope that some perspectives are changed so that someone’s day is easier. I also hope that you are inspired to think of other mothers who may need a kind word such as single moms, divorced moms, moms with children who have special needs. A lot of moms have someone to give them a break on Mother’s Day. Many moms are going it alone. Let’s also think of these wonder moms as well.

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Love, Jenna

p. s. thanks mom. i love you.