Autumn Manna

I splurged yesterday. I picked up the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I am in LOVE with this book. I've only read a few pages but I am forcing myself to take it slow and enjoy it. So I, amid the mess of dirty dishes, piles of clothes, stacks of books, midterm notes and half-painted dresser drawers, brewed myself a full mug of chai and retreated to the lawn chair on my sunspilled porch.

     "Maybe...I guess it's accepting there are things we simply don't understand. But He does."
And I see. At least a bit more. When we find ourselves groping along, famished for more, we can choose. When we are despairing we can choose to live as the Israelites gathering manna. For forty long years God's people daily eat manna -- a substance whose name literally means "What is it?" Hungry, they choose to gather up that which is baffling. They fill on that which has no meaning. More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehand. They find soul-filling in the inexplicible.
     They eat the mystery.
     They eat the mystery.
                from One Thousand Gifts, p. 22

I have been thinking a lot about our upcoming transition.In certain quiet moments my breath is caught and even stolen from me. Can I live in uncertainty and vulnerability? Can I walk away from the "supposed to" and find confidence, strength and meaning in the "illogical," this path of life seemingly without  intellectual reasonable justification? Will I, after a few years of striving and forced contentedness, see the empty space on the wall lacking degrees, and say "I should have…I wish I had…"

"I regret…"

Which demands me to ask "How can I live so as to save myself or avoid  this emptiness or regret? How can I live fully?

Our decision to abandon the professional life and to embrace, enthusiastically cling to a simpler life is essentially a movement toward this "living fully".. But how do I carry this out once I begin this life every day?

I have, as I imagine most people as well, had much too much time spent in the ungrateful, ingratitude, complaint rooms of life. I have spent many a night running through my head all of the ways in which God has failed me, others have failed me, how this precious, blessed, sacred, beautiful life is not enough for me.. How arrogant. How rude. How selfish. How shameful of me.

When life is getting too…No. Not life. When I am feeling too weary or lazy to push through all that this fallen, broken world throws at me and places in my path I find the easiest route to satisfaction is through  complain, drudgery, holding tightly to grudges, ungratefulness….and, oh yes, pride. Because if I can plant my feet firm or throw myself down as a wet noodle in defiance of all that God is doing, maybe he will take notice…maybe he will make it easier for me…maybe he will see me and say "Poor baby. This is hard, isn't it? Here, have some strength, patience, wealth, character…" As if these are things that God can just give like tootsie rolls at a parade.

When I sit back and think about this sad, pathetic situation that has been my motus operandi my cheeks run hot and I am embarrassed, humilated. Shamed. A grown woman taking on the worst moments of childhood?

But what is more: what is it for?? I know of no situation in which God has bend down and heeded the complainant requests of a woman engaging in a full-on tantrum. And would I prefer that? Would I find growth, healing, satisfaction, peace, and contentment through that "easiest" route? Um…No. Hate to admit it. No. I would not. I would be a person who gets whatever she wants without learning lesson. I would be a person who has received strength, patience, wealth, character…and does not know the value of these things nor the proper way of their implementation in my life. And when asked about how it is that my life seems perfectly blessed the only honest answer I would have is "well…I complained, demanded, whined, and had a tantrum. You should too!!" Oh wouldn't THAT world be fun?!

Amid the hustle and bustle of life in a major city, academic demands, social commitments as well as the maintaining of a marriage and family relationships, the sight of the small blessings and areas of gratefulness has been neglected, forgotten, or has lost focus. In my life recently. I have realized the vital importance of simple thankfulness. For some silly reason other things such as bedhead, organizing the kitchen, and "Sister Wives" have taken the main stage. (and as I sit here at Starbucks, during a break in my midterm studying, I think What the hell? Sister Wives? Seriously? Seriously?!! O God, help me!)

This book and this pondering has come at the absolutely perfect time. I am preparing to make a drastic life-change from student and path to licensed professional counselor to homemaker and housewife, and hopefully mother. This year is coming to a close, which lends one to reviewing and thinking upon the last 12 months and their meaning for our lives. We think of how we have changed, how we hoped to change, the best and worst moments, the surprises and the disappointments. As  the year comes to an end we are also actively aware that a new beginning lurks behind the corner. A new chance, opportunity, life ready to be latched, possibilities, anxiety about another year of failure? A new beginning is looming for us. A new life. A life full of unexpected opportunities. And what am I going to do about this new beginning? How am I going to take control of it, of my perspective, of my attitude, of my growth through this? Or, rather, how am I going to release control and freely live fully?

Two things here. 1. Is it really God that is making my life difficult? If not, 2. then what are they ways in which he is trying to reach out to me, to grab my attention, to bless me, to give me rest, peace and a full, crisp, deep breath of life each day?

I have said this before and I will say it again, until I finally understand it myself:

God does not punish on this side of life. Refusing to believe and thus choosing condemnation is enough punishment.

God does allow evil, bad things, horrible situations in this world…for whatever reason. And I will ask him why when I get there!

A bad situation, a sad series of events, a traumatic occurrence, cancer, a time of hurt DOES NOT mean that you are a bad person, that you have deserved this, that you have sinned in such a way to be punished as such.

Blessings are bestowed upon the good and the bad people of this earth. Being "blessed" is not a barometer of faith. And a blessing is subjective. Exhibit #1: "You are being blessed through this time of infertility. Think of all the lessons you are learning!" *girly, high-pitched squeal, eyes bright* Really? *turned my smile upside down* Because I think this is a time of being pooped on!!

On that note: even in the midst of tragedy, pain, suffering, loss, crisis, death, grief, angry, sorrow, shame and doubt GOD IS WORKING! God is working in every moment, through every breath, in every conversation to give us hope, to give us a glimpse of a lighter load. Finding these little gifts to be treasured is the most difficult part.  

And I think this is key: finding the things in my short simple life that I ought to be thankful for, that I am grateful for, that I know I am blessed by -- even in the smallest ways which can ripple into very large and vast points of impact.  

Grabbing onto the mystery, accepting the mystery, embracing the mystery…reveling in the mystery rather than fighting, thrashing and refusing.  This is life. This is living. I don't know why God does what he does and how he is working exactly. I don’t know why he saved the murderer from death and on the same night didn't stop the child from being molested. I don’t know why I am waiting for a child and yet the 16 year old who is driving in the car next to me has had 2 abortions. I don’t know why. But the mystery is there and we have a choice. We can refuse the mystery. Demand answers, demand explanation, stand in determined defiance and miss the perfect little, light-as-air gifts and blessing or embrace the mystery and stand in defiant faith that God has a purpose, mysterious and awe-inspiring as it is , and that God is working -- even when we cannot see him, when we cannot understand him, when we feel we are alone on this cold, broken planet.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.

In all things God works. It does not say that God makes bad things happen and it is for your good, your growth. But that in all things, even in the horrible, awful, painful, unthinkable, should-never-happen-to-anyone  God is able to work a miracle and bring some good from that situation.

We can stand firm in faith, shaking our fist in the face of doubt, fear, shame and chaos, in spite of everything that we see and believe in the God we know is alive and faithful, believe that he has won the victory, that he is fighting for us at this very moment, and that he is working -- even if his working is not the working we would like to see.

We may not know the answers to the mysteries of this world. We may never know but we have a God who knows these answers, is actively working perfectly in the present (because he already knows the end!), and who is working it all out for our good…

because he loves us …

eternally.