My festive coffee cup is warming my hand as I walk briskly down the hall. I shift my weight and my bag, and push the door open.
"Hello sweet girl. I'm back!" I sing quietly, and scan the screen and it's green, blue, and white light. Carols give way to the sound of monitors beeping and the feeding pump running.
Putting my bag and coffee down, I wash my hands and lean over the crib rail.
My sweet girl. My baby. My littlest love. 15 months old and the strongest, bravest person I know.
I run my fingers through her growing red hair, hold her hold, and give her lots of kisses. She 'tells me all about it' with her little chatter and whimpers. Always ready to give me a report of the happenings while I was gone.
This is not where I imagined we'd be tonight. Not where I wanted to be at all any night. Yet here we are.
Ninth floor of the children's hospital. We've returned after only 3 days of being home from our last admission.
This feels vaguely familiar - this isn't the first Christmas season we've spent celebrating through trial. Last year, her first Christmas day ever, we spent inside hospital walls too. I was so hoping for a more normal Christmas this time around.
This is not the festive, cozy celebration I had planned and yet I am content to know this is exactly where God has placed us.
If anything, these last months of medical mama life have taught me what truly is important. And it's not the decorating or the traditions.
Christmas is not in the perfectly decorated tree or the stockings hung with care. It's not in the ornaments or the wreaths. It's not the advent calendar or candles, or the matching Christmas is not the rosy cheeks of well-behaved and joyful cheer of children.
Because Jesus died and rose again, Christmas is not just one day. Christmas is us in Christ. It is Christ with us and in us. Already here, and not yet.
Christmas is everyday. Christ with us. Our Savior come to earth for us. We can and should celebrate everyday, not just one day every year.
Our hope, our peace and fulfillment is not in the picture perfect experiences of Christmas season, or even the messy traditions.
When Christmas day is less than pretty or when it's just plain painful and when we know our hope and peace is in Heaven, when our eyes are fixed on a Jesus and our hearts cry out for eternity - those unmet expectations and plans gone awry won't diminish our joy, they can't steal our peace for we know this is not the end of the story or even a determining factor.
With our faith held fast on Jesus, we can face any trial, struggle, tragedy on any day. If even the most unimaginable happens, the darkest, greatest loss we face, He is still good, and we will still celebrate knowing our hope is in Him alone.
We'll thank the Lord for hope, for peace, for His loving faithfulness, and power to heal. We'll thank Him for the honor and privilege to bear witness to this beautiful, brave life. We'll rejoice in our care for her and her strength that does not quit. And we will celebrate Christmas, today in the midst of trial, and every day in our hearts.
Immanuel, Christ with us, is what our hearts will echo and breathe relief. Our weary souls rejoice.
Hopefully, we will be home before Christmas Day, but if not, we know we can worship and celebrate anywhere with any thing we face in the moment.
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