Not Our Baby - She belongs to the King

Originally posted on October 30, 2021 on Instagram

When we got the call about sweet baby girl, I was wrecked. Jason was completely in, encouraging and so patient with me. I can't describe how head over heels in love he was with this little baby immediately. I, on the other hand, was a mess. Constant migraines. Sobbing uncontrollably. Waves of anxiety. A heavy weight.

We have always stepped into an adoption journey with the plan of saying yes until God says no. But this time I was drowning.

It wasn't about her. I had gotten to this place of total doubt of myself. "I can't do this. I am the wrong person. I will fail her. I will mess up. She deserves someone better." I couldn't shake it.
Looking back, 2 things were happening.

1) Spiritual Warfare. The enemy wanted me weak, alone, confused, afraid. He wanted me to run, then to be tormented by regret and shame for the rest of my life. To miss out on this incredible gift, this beautiful soul. He wanted me paralyzed. He wanted her to be silenced.

2) God allowed me to walk in this dark valley to show how he will always carry us through.

Then we went to see her.

I was shaking as we drove. I walked the maze of halls. Prayers under my breath. Walked in the dark room and saw her tiny body. They placed her in my arms and tears fell behind my mask. "This is not your baby" echoed around me. "You cannot do this."

And it was true.

This is not our baby. She belongs to the King. We can't do this, but He can.

I held that little soul, tiny image bearer, and the weight was gone. Sweet soul, limited by this broken world. What an honor to care for her, to hold her, to carry her through her visit to this foreign land. When my vision shifts from self to eternity, the mission is clear and I am emboldened to go to war.

God had allowed me to be tormented and weighed down so I might see his goodness and faithfulness to bring me through. Because he knows the journey ahead for this sweet baby and our family. To know He is faithful to provide.

Baby girl is a fighter. She is still here, I am too, which means our work is not yet complete. God is going to do some amazing work in her and through her. What an honor to see it.