It seems impossible. Impossible that the church, our little church in the middle of nowhere USA, could make this a reality. That we as a people could rid the need for the social workers, case managers, groups homes, courtrooms...it's intimidating. We're talking about an entire government organization. A whole system. How could we ever accomplish what they do? The answer isn't simple. It won't be easy.
But it is possible. Because we are called. Nothing is to difficult for our Mighty God. Our God who looks after orphans and children and calls us to do the same.
I believe this is doable. I believe it is biblical. And I believe there are practical ways to make this possible.
Adopt a foster child.
There are over 100,000 foster children waiting to be adopted in this country RIGHT NOW. And over 20,000 of these children will ago out, never to have a forever family, a safe permanent place to call home, to return to in times of need and comfort.
Many of these children are teenagers, having spent much of their life in bouncing in and out of foster care, in limbo -- parents who are not able to provide stable care yet the situation is not so serious to call for a termination of parental rights. Many of these children have special needs -- whether they are developmental, medical, mental health needs. I believe there are individuals and families who can provide a loving home to these young people desperately needing a forever family. It takes patience, understanding, support, and courage.
Many times the state or county will cover adoption costs. Let's be honest. You may be interested in adoption. Adoption may be a huge call for you. Like me, it might be one of the huge passions in your life. You get up for adoption. Every child tugs at your heart strings. You know the need and you share all you can. But finances feel daunting ($20,000 - 40,000 for private adoption) Although money should never be a reason to adopt, it shouldn't be a reason NOT to adopt either. The state and county offer several programs and grants, as well as attach zero placement fees for families adopting a child out of foster care.
Maybe you feel called?
Become a foster parent.
Maybe adoption isn't quite for you, not yet. But you have room in your home, a heart over flowing with love, and a desire to answer the call. While children are waiting to be placed in their adoptive home, they need a stable temporary home. One with loving parents who will guide, comfort, encourage, support. Foster parents who will teach life skills and support self-discovery. Many times children in foster care do not learn how to manage finances, work ethic, cooking, cleaning, and other life skills simply because they spend so much time adjusting and readjusting. These are things that can be taught in the home which will help with adjusting and attachment.
Fostering is hard. There will be a goodbye. There will be an empty bed again. But God can use this time for immense growth and learning, we just have to be willing to step into the role knowing we will have a huge impact on the future of any child we encounter. There are blessings to bestow and blessing to receive that will outweigh the challenge and sorrow of goodbye.
Adopting and fostering are the most obvious and challenging ways to get involved. If that's not you, that's okay!! Here are some simpler ways to make a huge impact and bless others who are called to adopt or foster.
Even if we, as a church, destroy the most foster care system by stepping up together and supporting each other, there will still be a need for foster parents -- for those placed temporarily while family members are getting help, as the search is made for extended family members as permanent homes -- a need for shelters, emergency placement homes.
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Here are six practical ways to help and support foster and foster to adopt families in your community.
1.) Become a designated caregiver.
Because the foster children are in the legal custody of the county, anyone who is spending unsupervised time must have a background check and fingerprinting done by the county. Anyone babysitting or any caregiver must be checked and printed as well, this also includes any extended family members wishing to help out. This makes a night out or a simple coffee date nearly impossible until finalization.
While we were adjusting to our new family and still not yet finalized, we would have loved to have someone in our corner to call on for a two hour break or a date night or a child-free grocery shopping trip. Don't get me wrong, we love her. We were so grateful for her finally coming home. But we were reaching burn-out status. We were all navigating our way through grief and loss issues, tantrums, adjustment, attachment issues, safety issues, and so much lack of sleep. We were all, all three of us, ragged at times. Not to mention the fact that she would not be left alone for a moment and my husband and I needed time to discuss our days -- what happened, what worked, what didn't, what trigger her, how she missed her foster family -- without her hearing our every concern or fear. We didn't have any family close enough to be called on in a moments notice, but it would have been a serious life saver to have a volunteer from our church community. We never asked anyone. We felt after all our fundraising and whatnot, asking something more like fingerprinting and a background check seemed like too much to ask.
If you are family members or close friends, a very practical and amazing way to help a foster family or adoptive family is to make the first move. Approach them with the idea of getting background checked and being available as a sitter if/when they have the need. You can be a sitter or a respite care giver. Ask them what is required of each and make the choice of which you are better suited for. Make sure they know are volunteering your time, share your willingness to bless them, that this is not an obligation or a burden. Tell them your availability. And when they ask you to watch the kids, make no judgements about what they will or will not be doing with their time. They might run errands or they might sit in their car with a cup of coffee in the driveway. Whatever they need to do to truly rest, regroup, reset, refuel.
You will need forms from the adoption agency or the county. Email the social worker yourself if you are able. Print the forms yourself and mail them on your dime. It may seem like tedious and annoying paper work, but it is only a fraction of the amount they have had to do to get to this point. Trust me, they will be forever grateful. And you will be blessing them more than any of you will ever comprehend.
*** As we did not have a background checked sitter, we would refuel and regroup with playplace coffee dates. My husband and I would go through the Starbucks drive thru and bring our coffee to McDonald's to have a "date" while our girl played with new friends and had a happy meal. Another way to help if you can't become a sitter is to give a "Playplace Coffee Date" gift card package. Find out their nearest coffee shop and playplace, purchase gift cards to both places, and include a card and explain the purpose of the "Playplace Coffee Date." Whether they use the package for its intended purpose is not important, but that they know it is available and you are thinking of them...THAT is important. ***
2.) Volunteer to be a designated meeting attender.
When a friend of mine was going through a particularly rough divorce and custody battle, I would go to hearings and meetings with case managers as her friend for moral support. But as things got more complicated and more people were involved, I started taking notes for her -- names, dates, to do lists, forms to get and fill out. And after each meeting or hearing we would sit down and go over my notes together and make a plan.
While working to bring our little girl home we had so many meetings with lawyers, case managers, social workers, and court hearings. At times I was so worried about the outcome of a meeting or hearing that I couldn't remember what was actually said during. It's hard when you are fighting for your child to keep it all straight. If you have time in your schedule and believe the family would trust you with the intimate details of their child's case, volunteer to attend meetings and hearings for moral support and note taking. Make it clear that you will keep everything in confidence and remain trustworthy. If you feel uncomfortable with the details of the case, or do not know the family that well, you can certainly drive the family, take them for lunch after, be a sounding board for a game plan.
You can also offer to pray during these meetings at home as well if you are unable to attend.
3.) Donate to an adoptive family or foster family.
Instead of dropping those bags of clothes and unwanted items off at the local thrift store, or saving them for a garage sale, offer them to an adoptive or foster family first. It's not only kids clothes and toys that are needed, household items and toiletries can be lifesavers too.
A free toaster means they save the $20 that would be spent on a toaster and it can now be used for art supplies, therapy bills, a field trip, or family movie night. While we were transitioning through the arrival of our three year old, donated items meant less time shopping, more funds freed up for family time or attachment activities. Shopping as a new family can be fun. Or, with a child dealing with overstimulation, safety issues, or tantrums brought on by adjustment issues, shopping can be a rather traumatic event. We were so grateful for the donated items that were of need. They allowed us more time to enjoy and learn about each other, less time in the store, and more funds available for fun family activities while we got used to each other.
Make sure that you offer to pick up the donated items that they couldn't use and bring them to the thrift store. Although I do appreciate, to my core, all the donations we received, during our months of adjustment it was hard to find time to bring the unwanted items in, or to make space for them in other areas of our home. Have a "take what you need and leave the rest" agreement and follow through on it.
4.) Food
In the beginning our days flew by like flashes of light. We had no set schedule, although I tried so hard. Some days I would plan to go grocery shopping only to have an epic meltdown at the front door -- she was not ready to go out into the world, she was afraid she wouldn't come back, she needed a three hour nap... So shopping went undone, and FORGET about meal planning.
A super huge, practical way to help and support is to make a meal and drop it off. Ask the family about favorite foods, food allergies and food restrictions. Plan a drop of day and time, or offer a day and time, "I'll bring a meal on Thursday at 4:00. Will you be home then?" Our girl was terrified of knocks on the door, the door bell, and strangers at the door for the first few months at home. Ask if the family has special instructions about your arrival -- should you simply leave it at the door and text the family when it is there, take it to a workplace instead of the home?
Pack your meal in disposable containers or plan to gift them your Tupperware. Include reheating or prep instructions and a recipe card in case it turns into a family favorite. Consider including plastic utensils, napkins, and plates so there is as little clean up as possible. If at all possible include dessert and a sweet card or note. Have fun with it. Decorate the containers, tie bows and ribbon, draw hearts. This shows all the love you've put in and how much you care for the family, especially Mom. She will swoon over lovingly prepared food. Trust me.
If possible, and if you feel called, commit to bringing a meal once a week, or once a month for the first few months. It may be a simple plate of food for you, but for them it is extra time to sit together, time they don't have to cook and clean up.
If you don't feel particularly gifted in preparing meals for another family, like me, offer to pick up some groceries and drop them off. Again, ask about food restrictions and allergies. Maybe get a list of favorites and necessities. Any little bit helps. If possible include a card or something extra special.
If you are worried about picking up the right food items, purchase paper products instead. Paper plates, paper towels, toilet paper, tissue, cute stationary, coloring paper. The beauty of this gift is that it can be dropped off any time. Wrap it, put a big bow on it, maybe some balloons. The surprise alone is wonderful. The extra touches speak to their heart and give extra encouragement to keep going. It says, "You are seen. You are loved. You are supported. We are with you."
5.) A Special Gift
We're all familiar with baby showers, and love them dearly. Often times with an adoption from foster care this sort of party is not possible. The children may be leery of large groups, no one has thought to throw such party because the child is older...but just because there isn't a party or shower doesn't mean you can't show your support and joy for them. A simple gesture such as a "Welcome Home" sign prepared for their arrival at home, a card waiting in the mail, flowers or balloons delivered, a gift shipped in the mail can be a huge blessing and, trust me, will leave them speechless with gratitude for wonderful friends and supporters, and a great God. The struggle with adoption and especially an adoption from foster care is that much of the journey is unseen. There is no baby bump and the details of the journey must usually be kept confidential. Even a name might not be okay to share. So the simple fact that someone takes a moment to make you feel seen, your journey -- all the hours working behind the scenes -- is noticed, means everything.
Think about the age of the child coming home, and the season they will be arriving. Maybe put together a "Welcome to ____" package for them. Like, for example, a Welcome to Minnesota package might include beach toys, bubbles, a kite, gardening tools...or a sled, kid-sized shovel, hat and mittens...or maybe a big box of craft supplies -- construction paper, crayons, water color paints.
As mentioned above, a gift card for coffee may be an incredible blessing to the new family, especially warming the heart and mind of the parents. Consider other gift cards they might find useful -- book stores, grocery stores, gas stations, theaters, children's museum, or salons (a relaxing hair cut might mean the world to a mom navigating the first couple months of foster adoption).
Also consider purchasing a membership to the local children's museum or aquarium for the family, many offer discount memberships for foster families. This offers a safe place to go and get out of the home full of fun and great sensory activity.
When navigating the transition that comes with foster placement and adoption, coupled with adjustment issues and possible special needs, the very last thing on their minds is fun. And to spend money on this fun while medical needs must be met or the home must be maintained is almost unthinkable. Choosing to make a special gift to these families would be a huge blessing and a breath of fresh air.
6.) Use your time and talents.
The first few months of transition and later, as issues are made known or worked through again, can be rather intense. Things like home improvement and repairs, car maintenance, lawn care/snow removal, gardening take a backseat. Our garden died and our grass grew way too tall as we were spending every waking moment with the child we had prayed for and finally welcomed home. The grass could wait, we were playing and becoming a family. And if a family has more serious adjustments and issues that require attention, they may be just doing minimum to survive this season.
If you have a free afternoon, offer to mow the lawn, rake leaves, weed the garden, shovel sidewalks/driveways/roofs, wash their car, or change the oil. If the parents have mentioned a home repair that needs attention, like fixing the sink or painting a wall, offer to lend a hand. It doesn't have to be something big. Every little thing makes a huge difference, I know. Ask the family which would be most helpful, and if they can't decide (probably because they don't want to be a burden) pick one to offer. Ask them what day works for them and if it is best you come when they are out of the house or if their new family member would be okay with a new person working around the home, (this simple consideration shows you care immensely for their new child and their overall well-being and adjustment).
. . . . .
You may not be called to bring a child into your home, for a season or forever, but we are all called to care for and support those families who are called. Your support and encouragement brings peace, comfort, and courage to the families who said Yes to the call. It is the simple card, the meal, the helping hand that is the very hand of God giving hope. Through your simple act God is working. These families will never forget and you have the power to impact their lives, and their children's lives for years to come.
Thank you, to everyone who has supported us in all the ways through our first adoption -- from beginning through to today. Thank you to those who are stepping up, following the call to care for orphans, and to those who serve and support those families. You will be bless, blessed beyond measure and in the most surprising ways!
7.) Create a village.
If you want to get involved, you feel called to serve in this way, but don't know of anyone adopting or fostering remember the amazing line from Field of Dreams, "If you build it they will come." You will hear from a friend of a friend, a neighbor, your sister, a coworker of someone starting the process, or bringing home a child, or in the middle of transitioning phases. They will come. Be ready.
Invite friends and family over to brainstorm ideas. Get your small group involved. Start an adoption and foster care ministry at church. Make your willingness, your heart, and your intentions to serve known. Those needing your services and your care may not feel comfortable to go asking around. But they may feel comfortable inquiring about your ministry and let it slip they are adopting from foster care. Word will get around. And what amazing things you will be a part of, having a vital part in welcoming a family together!!! Oh, what miracles and joy!
8.) PRAY
As with everything, everything, prayer can do far more than we could ever on our own. Pray for the children coming into their new homes, their forever families, for the parents welcoming them in, for everyone as they figure each other out, learn about this new life they will live and the way family is done together. Pray for the birth families, that something may be restored, for healing and comfort, and partnership with adopting and foster families. Ask for specific prayer requests and follow up to see if they were answered, letting the family know you continue to think about them and hold them close to your heart. Pray for others to follow the call, to be courageous and step up to be adoptive families for infants, children, teenagers, those with special needs, that they may be affirmed in their abilities and purpose, knowing God will provide all that they need, right when they need it.
We serve a mighty God who loves His children and will not let anything get in the way of those dearly loved little ones and their forever family. Let's say Yes, step into partnership with these families and be a vital part of changing the foster care system as we know it. Let's be used by God to do some miraculous things for these children, showing them they are loved, chosen, wanted, cared for seen, and oh-so important.
The task seems daunting, Yes, but it is not impossible. It is doable. It is biblical. It will be blessed. And we CAN do this, together.
. . . . .If you have any other practical ideas that I did not list, please comment or email me and let me know!! I would love to hear from you, especially in this context!
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