Counting Joy

Life is not fair.

This is the truth that I fight against so desperately. I kick and scream and struggle and will life to be fair. Like a child in mid tantrum I throw my hands up in the air and flop to the ground, a wet noodle. Reusing move or bend. I hear my own voice , hilarious and ashamed all at once -- "It's no fair!!" And what can I do? Will my fight make a difference? Will my determination to be unmoved really change the course of the universe, take us back to the garden?

So I have taken up the habit of finding joy. Keeping it in my sight and holding it close, lest I feel the urge to flop down again.

Life is not fair and trials are not new. Never once has a single human walked through life without struggle, pain, hurt or trial. We tend to think that the answer is always Jesus, Super Human unaffected by earthly things. But even he, Son of God, suffered. Willingly and laid himself down low, for us. Even Jesus. Suffered more than I will experience in my life.

I feel so inadequate and childish when the thought occurs to be, for the first time, I am almost his age, hanging on the cross, dying for the world, self-sacrificing and humbled. I have almost walked the earth as long as he. 

What am I doing with my life? Am I really striving to live the life God has for me? Am I really seeking it out? Am I laying myself low, humble and obedient, or am I throwing tantrums? The ugly truth stings, electric and hard. I am awake, seeing myself in different light. There needs to be change. Of course I will never be Jesus, but the life I've been living, the way I've filled my days…there needs to be change.

Finding joy. It is second nature. It is not easy. But it is. Simple and easy when I stopp fighting and start looking. Focus my eyes on the treasure rather than the hurt. See the beauty beyond the ugly. Search for life rather than mourn the death or barren.

This is all well and good. A good start to real change. But I need bigger. So I take it to the Word. I read and sit quiet. A new habit, I hope.

"Consider  it pure joy …whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4, NIV)

Joy.  Consider it joy.

And I read again, pulling Bibles from the shelves, pages flip frantic. Searching before the moment of clarity is gone. "Count it all joy…" (NKjV) Is that right? Count…and I am counting. Is this the way? Is this how we live the unexpected life? Is this how we move beyond surviving …and fully live?

I have been reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I have been counting. Maybe not as consistently as I should. But there has been a list made slowly, surely. And could this really be it? So simple. I have been missing that which was right in front of me…searching for some ancient, foreign, long-lost secret, when the answer was written on my forehead and I looked at myself in the mirror Every. Day.

Count the blessings, the joy, the graces.

Searching for hidden  treasure. Finding joy. Counting joy…in the midst of pain, out of pain, in spite of pain. Joy. Because it is there. And this life is much to short to waste it on the floor, screaming, "No fair!"

{3 yellow gifts of mercy}

hats for my sisters, dear to my heart. One lived with my
whole life, every day I remember. A sister become friend.
Another a stranger, become sister, become friend.
And I am grateful.

a welcoming wreath at our door. we have a door. we have a home. we have a place all our own and we are together.
For these simple joys, I am grateful

A yellow sun rising around me, warming this mild morning of rain. And I smile, because it is a new day. The gift of life; breath and bread. A new chance to live in grace and live fully. To count joy.