Measured.

Ann is coming for her first visit today. Needless to say, I am a bundle of nervousness and jitters. I have cleaned practically every surface in this apartment, organized everything and gotten whatever we have in the kids room set to go. No children will be placed today or even in a few weeks, but I am hopeful that soon, sometime soon...

If ever asked to use on feeling, one word, to describe the overall experience of infertility and the pursuit of foster parenting it would be measured. We all are evaluated and graded in school and in our careers. We pass tests and fail papers. We are graded against classmates and coworkers. I am used to this, having signed on for an extra three years of this torture while in grad school, but there is something intrinsically different about feeling one needs to be evaluated or measured in order to have children. 

Somehow infertility changed me, changed how I view myself. Maybe I'm not good enough to have children? Maybe I don't have kids because I wouldn't be a good mom? I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this while struggling to have children. This thought, of course, is not true. It is a lie, that I believe comes straight from Satan (and just because I said that don't go thinking I'm some  high and mighty self-righteous Christian from some televangelist program.) Yes, it is a lie and I have worked very hard to ignore it, not believe it, find truth in the Word to argue it when I feel doubtful. But it is a constant fight, to battle this lie. It is a constant fight for anyone, whether you are struggling with depression, weight loss, divorce, self-image, grief, addiction...We all struggle with this lie -- that we are somehow not good enough, not worthy, less. It is a lifelong struggle that may take on several different faces. 

And, for me, this is made even more difficult today as I wonder: Maybe she won't think I'm cut out for this either?  

Do we make enough money? Do we have a big enough apartment, good enough place? Will we be good parents? Are we capable of doing this? Will she like us?

I think that this process is more difficult for me at times because I have already seen my share of disappointment and let downs trying to have children. And I'm tired of all the No's and Wait's. I'm tired of working to get my hopes up and trying so hard not to let my heart get broken all over again. I would really like to get a Yes here. Really.  

Please keep me in mind today while I wait for Ann to arrive. More updates to come tonight.