Abundantly More and Free of Debt

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've posted. Life is…well, life. Crazy. Amazing. Fast. Overwhelming. Wonderful…ever changing and leaving me desperate for a daily mandatory nap time.  It’s not that there has been nothing to write about. It's that there has been so much going on that I can't write about. If it were possible to share with you, I would. Maybe in the coming months, who knows?

My friend and I recently had a little vent session about those pesky, poopy student loans. Those loathsome creatures who slither in the shadows clicking their grimy sharp teeth together,  waiting for young adults to get comfortable in the real world…then they suck the shiny, happy, lively, hopeful, adventurous life out of you! Eager vampires. It seems that even the smallest of life's pleasures, such as a walk on a warm, sunny day or cookies fresh from the oven, are dampered by sudden thoughts of payments, due dates, interest rates, usernames, account numbers, late fees…and the constant anxiety that accompanies knowing that this will be the way of life for the next…oh…5 years, at least.

We chatted about the stuckness we felt in this state. Unable to move forward to the things of life we are anticipating, such as purchasing our first home, because we cannot make money stretch that far. We work hard and put adding to the family on hold. How could we possibly make more mouths to feed when we are struggling to feed the ones here already or how could we add another family member when doing so means moving to a larger, and more expensive place? For me personally, how will we ever have the funds to explore fertility treatments or meet income criteria for adoption?

I agree that student loans aren't the worst kind of debt a person can have.  And it's not that I'm unhappy about my life. I love my life. I love the simple life I share with my husband. I love where we are at…just the two of us on an adventure together. I just wish, oh I wish that this dark cloud was not hanging over us. I wish that we weren't tethered down by these ugly, creeping loans.

And student loans aren't all awful or evil. Thanks to loans I have my education. I have my voice. I met my husband. I learned about myself. I met some of the most amazing people and walked away with wonderful, beautiful friendships. And I've learned that there is more to life than money and riches. A small consolation is also that in the event of a zombie apocalypse we will have already been living on very little and surviving on Ramen noodles…so, there won't much change, a side from the hoards of the undead trying to eat us, of course.

Thinking about debts and burdens and the things that really matter in this life, I got to thinking about Easter and the real meaning -- before and in spite of the bunny.  I am always writing these "holiday" posts after the holiday. My mind must need more time to process I guess.

We tend to think that Christmas is the most important Christian holiday. Christmas is a big thing. It's huge, and I'm not just talking about the presents and shopping. We spend four weeks lighting candles in celebration of advent, we plan festivities for months ahead of time. We look forward to gathering together with family and friends to celebrate together. Large, beautiful, amazing meals are made and shared. Christmas is important, very important. We celebrate the birth of the Savior of the world. We celebrate the Son of Man, the Messiah come to heal and bring hope. But Christmas is only important because of what we celebrate on Easter.

Good Friday, the day that death died.

The spotless Lamb, Son of God, both wholly man and wholly divine, willingly laid down his life so we, who are selfish, sinful, shameful, guilty, arrogant, defiant, and disobedient among all other things, could have life, life everlasting with Him. It is not a thing to be weighed lightly. Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, sat quietly in a garden knowing full well what was to happen to Him, what was to be done to Him. He knew how each and every blow would land, how each slow step to Golgotha would pain Him. He would feel every moment as He was fully man. And He knew He had the power to change it as He was fully divine. Yet He did not. He surrendered and endured it all for us. For you.

For me…

How undeserved am I.

I think of the weight of my debt. The things I have done. My incredible debt laid on the shoulders of the Lover of my soul. Laid on the One who committed no crime, no wrongdoing, the One without guilt. The only one. And I am broken. I am touched, even to tears, when I arrive at the drive-thru window and discover a complete stranger has paid for my coffee. I am completely and utterly broken, sobbing uncontrollably with my face to the floor, to think that the God of the universe, the Creator of the lilies and the sparrows and the ocean shore and the sunrise, laid down His own life for me. His very life. He died for me. For me, this selfish, prideful, complaining, whiney, wimpy, envious girl.  It is almost too much. My brain cannot comprehend this at all moments.

His death is truly amazing and humbles me, but ultimately would have no meaning, much like Christmas, without the Resurrection. Easter Sunday.  Without the Resurrection, the proof that Jesus was and is the Son of God, an equal member of the Trinity, the death of Jesus is just the noble death of a man, albeit a great teacher and leader, but a simple man nonetheless. Not a sinless man, not the Son of God. With the stone rolled away and Jesus raised from the dead we can have assurance that our debt has been paid. We have been made clean just as he was.  We have been justified and we can have no fear of death, in this world or beyond. We don't deserve this. We do not deserve this unspeakable sacrifice and amazing grace. We did nothing to deserve it. Being kind and doing good deeds does not change the fact that we have done wrong at times, and we all have. Doing good does not cancel out the bad. The only way to escape this debt, this most assuredly deserved punishment, is to accept the gift of grace -- to believe in, trust upon, and follow Him. We can rejoice in this -- that our sins are forgiven, we need only accept this gift of grace. We can rejoice in this -- that though Satan sought to destroy Jesus and our last hope at eternal life with God, Jesus conquered death and has already won the victory. We can rejoice, and ought to rejoice, in our Savior, and our Father who sacrificed so much because he loves us. Not because he should, not because he promised, not because we write the story that way, but because He loves us. Loves us in spite of who we are and everything we have messed up. In spite of all the wrong we have done and the ugliness we create. He loves us. And he wants us to be with him.

The cross is seen everywhere. A symbol of the Christian religion. Most people know that it has something to do with Jesus or Christians or church. It is more than a symbol. So much more. It is everything. The God who created us also died to save us and rose again to justify us (bring us into a right relationship with him). A Father watched as His Son was led to slaughter. A Son cried out, not for mercy or release, but forgiveness for those who hurt Him so. And the world was shaken by hope of Heaven as He took His last breath.

The word "God" is tossed around a lot. People from varying religions can say to one another "I believe in God too" but be talking about very different gods. Just because a "higher power" is called "god" by followers does not make it real, does not give it power. There is only one God who has died for me, for you, for us. Jesus Christ. I want to make this very clear. I believe in God -- Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I don't just believe in a God. I believe in the one and only God, the true God. This is not just my opinion, not my idea, not just my perspective, not just my worldview, not just my religion, not just my faith. It is truth. He is truth. His birth, life, death, resurrection, and promise of return is not a legend, a fairytale to comfort in times of trouble, not a crutch, not a fable with a nice moral. It is history. It is real. You can disagree with me if you like. And I respect that. You are free to make your own choices and decisions. You are free to believe whatever you'd like. But your disagreement does not make it any less true. 

I'm not being intolerant or oppressive. I do not support forced belief systems. I recognize free will.  I will not debate others in the street or throw a Bible at you. I will not spout verses in your face or point a finger. I will not tell you it is "stupid" to believe differently than me. No one is stupid. You make your own choice. And I will make mine. I just want everyone to be certain of what they believe. Because if there is a small chance, just a teeny tiny doubt…it should be explored.  And if you think you know the story of Jesus, read and ask and study until you KNOW you know the story.

I sit now, at my desk staring at the file cabinet containing file after file, statement upon statement…and figures that run through the roof cataloguing our student loan debt. There are parts within me that scream "You could have done better! You should have stayed in school! You should have never gone to school! You will never be successful! You will never have the life you dreamed of!" These voices within me come to me at my most vulnerable moments -- trying to fall asleep at night, waiting in line to pay for groceries (wondering if I should put back the milk and just do without), discovering I am again not pregnant, still sleepy and planning my day. They seek to shake my foundations and leave me lost, tossed among the waves of this life and searching for solid ground. But I know to listen to the soft, quiet, calm, strong, still voice that echoes through my whole being "You are more. You are more than this debt. You are more than mistakes and losses and well-intentioned, although unsuccessful plans. You are more than any number can give value. You are mine. And I have more for you."

I can walk through this life without ever earning a cent to my name. I can journey here poorer than dirt and dirtier than mud. I can do this all the while knowing I have value, I have worth, and I am called to something greater.  Something I may never see this side of heaven. But I know, I am certain, it is there. Christ died for me. My God, the God I worship and serve, the God who created everything beautiful in this world from nothing and dust, died for me. And He tells me my worth.

I can enjoy this crazy, overwhelming, beautiful, stressful, not-at-all-perfect life while struggling with this financial debt (or any debt, burden, thorn in the flesh) because I know that my greatest debt has already been paid. And because I know this debt has been paid, I know the end of the story…and it is amazing! We can live this life, whatever it brings or doesn't bring, with our  heads held high, with humility, joy and love because we can know it is not the end. This life is not the end. This is not all that there is. No matter what happens…there is more, abundantly more.