Is this peace?

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I had a little bit of a panic/anxiety attack last week. It was, for the most part, averted and I was able to carry on with my day normally but still...not fun. I could feel it coming on. I knew it was coming.  Just a matter of time, really. I snapped at Jason and in my head told myself to stop, that I was just being silly, that I was being ridiculous and mean, but continued to snap. *sigh* I'm sorry Jason. After said snap I realized I was feeling off and sat myself down to evaluate why.

*SMACK* I slapped myself hard on the forehead. Of course! There was a baby shower coming up over the weekend. No wonder I was on edge and feeling off. I leaned over the sink in the bathroom and looked in the mirror "You can do this. You can." Outwardly and consciously I look forward to these events with excitement and joy. A new little life, a blessing, amazing MIRACLE. But inwardly and mostly unconsciously I am filled with anxiety, grief, fear and just plain terror. What if someone asks questions? What if someone makes an innocent yet inappropriate comment? What if I start crying and have to explain myself? What if I just can't do this? What if I have to leave? What if… I wrung my hands and paced around the apartment, made little whimpering sounds and finally resigned myself to "it is what it is." What else can I do?

I've done this before. A million times it seems. My friends have had baby after baby after baby after baby after baby. Yes, that many. Welcome to northern Minnesota. We keep ourselves warm through the winter by making babies...The anxiety builds up under my skin, while I am unaware then it usually explodes. This time I caught it in time. And I'm proud of myself. It seems silly, but I am very proud. Instead of getting angry and frustrated, I sat back and figured it out. I went back to my old game plan of rainbow stripped socks, chai, and a good movie to wait out the storm of raging emotions. I'm getting the hang of it and finally learning to live unpregnant.

I had a great time at the shower too. I didn't burst into tears at the sight of the baby. I didn't leave in a rage of envy. I didn't even feel left out or avoided. I was happy and myself. *whew* what an amazing feeling. It 

is so nice to just enjoy a quiet shower instead of waiting for the imminent tidal wave of tears. 

There is no avoiding it -- I long to have a baby. I have been called to be a mother. I can't just flip a switch and change that about myself. There is no getting around it -- I would love to have my own baby. And there is no ending it -- I'm not going to have my uterus removed. So I just have to navigate it and survive. Simple, right? Not always. Not mostly. Or even 50-50. It is mostly painful and difficult and a rainstorm. But there are rainbows -- reminders that God is never going to leave me, hasn't forgotten me, and won't leave me hanging. Silver lined clouds float by often enough to keep my hope strong. And there are bright rays of sunshine that peak through right when I need them, keeping me courageous and bold.

When I tell people that we are starting the foster care process the response I have gotten is overwhelmingly positive. Others are excited and hopeful. Many people have said we will be great parents and wonderful with this. (Which is a far cry from the negative reactions and responses to infertility news such as one comment: "Maybe it's because you won't be a good mom?" *ugh…* but that's a story for a different time.)

I don't want to belittle it or bring down the joyful responses but it's just that...it's simply...it is not always that optimistic for us.

I wish it were, oh I wish I was super excited and happy. I mean, I am. I really am. But there are moments, like one I had at the shower, that remind me that foster care is not a solution, it is not a fix. It is not going to change everything. It's going to bring happiness and joy but also stir up some equally difficult things.

Angie was opening presents of incredibly adorable and unbelievably cute onsies and sleepers and leggings...As a gift bag made its way to me for my oohing and ahhing a startling thing happened. I was trying to tell a friend of mine about it today and I just don't know how to explain it. Have you ever had a thought or insight that was such a complete surprise to you? Almost as if God himself was speaking new treasures into your heart? Something that you would not have thought of yourself, something that would not have occurred to you? Anyway,  that's what happened at the shower. I was holding this little outfit and I looked around and thought, "This will probably never happen to me."

And the most surprising part was that it wasn't really that sad. It was just a fact. A nugget of reality and truth. This thought was so striking, so powerful but it was also quiet and gentle, a whisper, as if the thought itself didn't want to scare me away. I kept thinking about it -- in the car on the way home, while falling asleep that night, in the frozen food section at the grocery store...What does this mean? Why am I not angry or sad?

Chances are, if we are only going on chances, that we will not be having a baby shower in our future. Most likely, I will not be the guest of honor who opens presents of baby clothes and blankets. It has been a long road and this notion has been slowly settling in my heart. I will not have a baby. I say it aloud and it doesn't bring stinging tears to my eyes. I roll it over in my mouth, feel every word as if it were my last, and...I'm still alive! This, this possible horrible truth will not kill me. Whether or not it will be proved true, it is a possibility. It doesn't devastate me, like it would have years ago. It's just life and it is starting to dawn that this might not be part of my story. I'm sad and it hurts but I'm not depressed about it. Six years is a long time, a long time with a lot of tears. Maybe pregnancy and babies aren't in my future. Maybe they aren't part of my story. For the moment, this moment, I'm not banging my head against the wall or shaking my fist at God. I'm not saying that I won't have my bad days and difficult hours but...right now ... 

Is this peace?

Foster care will be exciting and amazing and incredible and...but it will also be sad and awful and gut-wrenching. Instead of having our happily ever after with 2.4 babies and picket fences, picnic and vacations, first days and graduations...parenting for keeps...we will be temporary parents, always giving back what we are unspeakably grateful for. Parenthood, the thing we have been longing for, wishing for, dreaming of...will be starting and ending again and again and again for us in the future. We will fall in love with babies and children then have to say goodbye. This is the sadness that others don't always think of.

Foster care will give us a chance to parent and enjoy children but it will be a different kind of parenting. Children that do not belong to us. There are limits that "normal" biological or adoptive parents do not share. But we are certain it will be worth it. We are willing to make that sacrifice. And it is not something to given up at a whim. Not something to be overlooked and I am realizing that now.

There will be loses, unimaginable loses that we will have to endure and I can't think of a better journey to prepare me for this than infertility and miscarriage. Letting go and knowing that God has a plan and will protect what we cannot hold and see. 

Is this the plan God had in mind for me so many years ago when I was sobbing on the floor and screaming "WHY?" Was he looking on, holding my tears and saying quietly, "Just you wait...wait for the amazing things coming your way"? Was he talking about foster care? There are place in my heart that echo a resounding YES.

As I write this I am baffled. Really, that I am actually writing this. I'm really okay with not having my own babies or adopting? In this moment, yes. How is that possible? The only answer I can give is that my hope is in the Lord...