Happy for you, yet...

I guess the most frustrating thing about my struggle with infertility has been being misunderstood.


I have a friend who is sweet, loving, incredibly fun and amazing. We go crazy together and it's great. But we had a little falling out a few years ago. I feel awful about it. It eats me up and I hate it.


She just announced her fourth pregancy. Four. 4. I am incredibly happy for her. She and her husband have 3 little girls and I know a boy would be fun for them. She is an amazing mom and woman of God and I love her so I should be so happy for her...right?? Yet here I am in my school's library falling into a puddle of tears, and trying (but failing) to be quiet about it. And I'm thinking "What is wrong with me? I'm happy for her, yet I'm crying like someone just died?!" After talking with my awesome husband about it...


It's not that I am angry with her for getting pregnant again. Yes, it frustrates me that it seems to happen so easily for her. Yes, I am a little jealous. Not going to lie. But I'm not angry AT HER for getting pregnant. I am pro-life. I mean, I love life. I love babies. I love new life being created each day and it makes me smile and giggle and dance and celebrate...LIFE.


The problem was that this was NOT suppose to be the way that it went. This friend and I started talking 5 years ago about getting off of birth control. I was scared. I was really scared about possibly being a mom but i was excited more than anything. In my mind life would have gone like this: we'd get pregnant at the same time, we'd have the babies around the same time, we'd be around for each other's deliveries (just like we were at each other's weddings), we'd have family celebrations together, we'd change diapers together. It was going to be beautiful! and then...


It's not that I was angry with her. It was that it was another reminder of how my life was not what I thought it would be. It was another reminder that I somehow was not as ...complete (?) as her. I could not just make a baby like that. It was a reminder of how I had somehow failed. 


So here I am in the library. I'm happy for my friend, yet...falling apart because it hurts so much that my life is not what I was expecting.


Another misunderstanding is that when I don't attend a baby shower, it's not because I don't care about you and your baby or that I'm not happy for you. It's that I. just. can't. It can take days to work up enough energy and courage to walk into a shower. You psych yourself up. "Be happy, Jenna. You are okay. You will be fine. It's only 2 hours. But whatever you do, DO NOT hold the baby. Don't cry into that cute baby's new blanket!" But sometimes, right before I'm about to leave for a shower, it's all too much. I just can't keep myself together. I've even driven to the shower crying the whole way only to have to turn around and drive home because I just can't stop crying. And it's hard to offer up excuses to people that you know they aren't going to believe. I have lied. I'm not proud of it. I've lied because telling the truth, that I just couldn't handle it, takes too much time and energy...and maybe they just won't understand. Which makes you feel all the more alone and isolated. And terrible because this person in front of you does not see your pain.


Am I the only one here? I don't think so. Sometimes it's just too much. You wouldn't expect a recently divorced person to happily attend a wedding right after signing the papers? But their pain is seen more than ours. One day they are married, the next day they aren't. You don't see the husband around. But with us...we always look the same. There is no person that has vanished. There are no visible scars.


So yes, friend, I am so very happy for you...yet sad and hurt because life is very different for me.